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Social relationships among preteens

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In this info sheet

Friendships are very important during the preteen years. Through interactions with their friends, children learn to listen to and respect others. They also learn to express their opinions.

Friendships can make them very happy but also create challenges, such as conflicts.

In this fact sheet, you’ll find out how to guide your preteen in their relationships with others.

Does your preteen want to spend more time with their friends? Does family time seem less and less appealing to them? Do you feel like your child is paying more attention to what others think? You’re not the only parents in this situation!

To better understand

The importance of friends

During the preteen years, friends become increasingly important. Preteens often want to spend time with people who are like them and who like the same things. During this period of their lives, preteens go through major milestones, including puberty and the transition from elementary to high school. During these emotionally charged times, friends can be an important source of support.

With their friends, preteens practise listening to and considering others. They also learn to express their opinions respectfully. That said, they may experience conflicts. This is normal and even useful! These situations are opportunities for your child to learn how to handle disagreements appropriately.

Self-discovery

Between the ages of 9 and 12, children also want to be more independent. Preteens are trying to get to know themselves better and show who they are. To do this, they may look to people around them for inspiration, such as an older sibling, or public figures, such as celebrities.

At this age, children are also sensitive to what other people think and say. They sometimes make choices to follow a trend or to please others. Their choices may also be motivated by a fear of rejection.

As a parent, how can you support them? Let’s look at a few concrete ways.

Be there for your preteen

Support your preteen in discovering and asserting themselves

Help your preteen identify their interests and values:

  • What does your child like?
  • What’s important to them?

By getting to know themselves better, your preteen will learn to assert themselves and develop relationships with other children who share their values.

Help your preteen figure out their strengths and limitations.

  • How does your preteen describe themselves?
  • What is their opinion of themselves?

This will help them develop self-esteem and have positive relationships with others.

Encourage your preteen to express their opinion and speak up if they disagree with something, in a respectful way.

This will help them assert themselves in their relationships outside the home. If you hear your preteen expressing their opinion in a disrespectful way, encourage them to rephrase what they said. Respect is something that can be learned!

Help your preteen recognize what influences them, both positively and negatively, without judging.

  • Who are their role models?
  • Why?
  • What does your preteen like about these people? What messages do these role models promote? Are their messages positive?

Take an interest in their friendships

Recognize the importance of friends to your child.

Talk to your preteen about how they express themselves in their relationships.

  • Does your preteen feel comfortable saying what they like or dislike to their friends?
  • How do their friends react to their opinions?

Ask them questions about their friends, while being mindful of what they’re willing to share with you:

  • How does your preteen describe their friends?
  • What does your preteen like about these people?
  • How does your preteen feel around their friends?

Some children may have trouble expressing their feelings. If that’s the case with your preteen, help them find the right words without trying to influence them. The idea is for your preteen to be able to name their emotions on their own.

Guide your preteen in managing conflicts

Guide your preteen in applying the four steps of conflict resolution, but without doing it for them. You can even practise together! Here’s a summary of the four steps (source: Institut Pacifique):


Résumé des étapes de résolution de conflits
For more details on the four steps of conflict resolution, see our fact sheet on the subject.

Help your preteen find ways to calm down when they are experiencing conflict.

Conflict is never easy! To feel better, your child might:

  • Talk to someone they trust (e.g., parent, other family member, school staff);
  • Play sports;
  • Write in a journal;
  • Spend time with their pet.

Listen without judging: Even if the conflict seems trivial to you, it’s important to listen to your preteen and take the situation seriously.

Offer comfort and support your preteen in finding solutions. You can help them see other perspectives and develop empathy by asking questions such as:

  • When you said that to your friend, what do you think they understood?
  • If you were in their shoes, how would you react?

If your preteen wants to talk about the conflict with a professional, you can also give them resources (e.g., Tel-jeunes, Kids Help Phone).

Be careful! It’s important to distinguish between conflicts and incidents of violence or bullying. Want to learn more? Check out our fact sheet on the subject!

Teach your preteen about respect and openness

Talk to your preteen about different ways to show respect (e.g., expressing disagreement respectfully, respecting other people’s beliefs, not making fun of other people’s physical appearance).

Give your preteen opportunities to practise these skills on a daily basis, especially at home!

Help your child recognize prejudice and its effects on others.

Encourage your preteen to take an interest in others and to respect people who are different from them. Diversity is a gift, not a threat!

If you witness violence, intervene calmly and compassionately.

This will show your child that violence is not a solution. Talk to your child about how they could behave respectfully in the situation. For example, instead of your child hitting their sibling for coming into their room, encourage your child to tell their sibling what’s upsetting them about the situation by using “I” statements, and to calmly and respectfully express what they want.

Never forget that you’re a role model for your child. Through your words and actions, whether at home, at work, or on social media, you’re showing your child how to develop positive relationships with others.

Practical resources and tools

1. For support :

You are dealing with a situation that worries you? Ask for help :

Community organizations: family centre, youth centre, etc.
Some community organizations offer support programs for parents of teenagers. Call your local organization for information.

School staff members

This info sheet has been written in collaboration with :

Stéphane Benoit, intervenant pivot École en santé, CISSS de la Montérégie-Ouest

Marie-Ève Mélançon, agente de relations humaines, équipe de Proximité santé mentale scolaire, Direction de santé publique de la Montérégie

Véronique Blouin, conseillère pédagogique pour le dossier climat scolaire, prévention de la violence et de l’intimidation au primaire, Centre de services scolaire Marie-Victorin

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