Social relationships among preteens

Help your preteen identify their interests and values:

• What does your child like?
• What’s important to them?

By getting to know themselves better, your preteen will learn to assert themselves and develop relationships with other children who share their values.

Help your preteen figure out their strengths and limitations.

• How does your preteen describe themselves?
• What is their opinion of themselves?

This will help them develop self-esteem and have positive relationships with others.

Encourage your preteen to express their opinion and speak up if they disagree with something, in a respectful way.

This will help them assert themselves in their relationships outside the home. If you hear your preteen expressing their opinion in a disrespectful way, encourage them to rephrase what they said. Respect is something that can be learned!

Help your preteen recognize what influences them, both positively and negatively, without judging.

• Who are their role models?
• Why?
• What does your preteen like about these people? What messages do these role models promote? Are their messages positive?

Ask them questions about their friends, while being mindful of what they’re willing to share with you:

• How does your preteen describe their friends?
• What does your preteen like about these people?
• How does your preteen feel around their friends?

Some children may have trouble expressing their feelings. If that’s the case with your preteen, help them find the right words without trying to influence them. The idea is for your preteen to be able to name their emotions on their own.

Talk to your preteen about how they express themselves in their relationships.

• Does your preteen feel comfortable saying what they like or dislike to their friends?
• How do their friends react to their opinions?

Guide your preteen in applying the 4 steps* of conflict resolution.

Be careful to not do it for them.
You can practise together. Here’s a summary:

For more details on the four steps of conflict resolution, see our fact sheet on the subject.

*Source: Institut Pacifique

Help your preteen find ways to calm down when they are experiencing conflict.

Conflict is never easy! To feel better, your child might:

• Talk to someone they trust, e.g., parent, other family member, school staff.
• Play sports.
• Write in a journal.
• Spend time with their pet.

Listen without judging: Even if the conflict seems trivial to you. Take the situation seriously.

Offer comfort and support your preteen in finding solutions. You can help them see other perspectives and develop empathy by asking questions such as:

• When you said that to your friend, what do you think they understood?
• If you were in their shoes, how would you react?

If your preteen wants to talk about the conflict with a professional, you can also give them resources (e.g., Tel-jeunes, Kids Help Phone).

Be careful to distinguish between conflicts and incidents of violence or bullying.
Want to learn more?
Check out our fact sheet on the subject!

Talk to your preteen about different ways to show respect (e.g., expressing disagreement respectfully, respecting other people’s beliefs, not making fun of other people’s physical appearance).

Give your preteen opportunities to practise these skills on a daily basis, especially at home!

Help your child recognize prejudice and its effects on others.

Encourage your preteen to take an interest in others and to respect people who are different from them. Diversity is a gift, not a threat!

If you witness violence, intervene calmly and compassionately.
This will show your child that violence is not a solution.

Talk to your child about how they could behave respectfully in the situation.
For example, instead of your child hitting their sibling, encourage your child to tell their sibling what’s upsetting them about the situation by using “I” statements, and to calmly and respectfully express what they want.

You’re a role model for your child. Through your words and actions, you’re showing your child how to develop relationships with others.