Open search

Maintaining a positive relationship with your preteen and setting limits: Is it possible?

You are here: Home » Pre-teens » Maintaining a positive relationship with your preteen and setting limits: Is it possible?

Table of contents

In this sheet

Does your preteen seem to think other people’s opinions matter more than yours?

Is their behaviour changing?

Are they pushing back against rules that they never questioned before?

Are you worried your relationship is suffering?

This fact sheet contains answers and ideas.

The preteen years: different needs

As your child enters the preteen years, they may start to develop new behaviours such as:

  • Testing house rules and your limits;
  • Having mood swings (for example, being more irritable);
  • Being influenced: by friends, family, teachers, social media, etc.;
  • Boldly expressing their opinions, some of which can be unsettling.

Why are they doing this?

During the preteen years, children develop new needs:

  • They want to make more decisions.
  • They want to do things their own way;
  • Friends are starting to become more important;
  • They care more about what others think of them;
  • Their bodies are changing.
  • They start comparing themselves to others.
  • They start searching for their identity.

Your challenges?

  • Adapting to your child’s new needs;
  • Being open to their arguments, which may be valid even if you hadn’t considered them before;
  • Maintaining a positive relationship despite arguments or disagreements;
  • Providing guidance while giving them room to grow.

Preteens’ choices are often based on immediate gratification and wanting to feel accepted.

They don’t always think about the consequences of their choices. Your presence in their life is essential!

Guidance: still important to preteens

Be there for my preteen

Preteens are able to understand other people’s points of view.

That’s how they begin developing responsibility and the ability to think about the consequences of their actions.

How to make decisions

Talk to the other parent about what’s important to each of you. Agree on what’s acceptable and what’s not.

Listen to your preteen without judging: Show them you’re taking their request seriously.

Explain your point of view and your concerns.

Ask questions to better understand what your child wants:

  • Why is this important to them?
  • What are their arguments?
  • What do they think might make you feel less worried?

If your preteen’s point of view seems reasonable, then consider it. You can also suggest a compromise, based on what’s important to both parents.

If your decision isn’t what your child hoped for, explain your reasons.

If your child reacts badly, stand your ground and maintain a united front. Even if it’s hard, your job is to set limits. Let them know you understand their feelings: disappointment, anger, etc.

Practical resources and tools

1. For support :

You are dealing with a situation that worries you? Ask for help :

Community organizations: family centre, youth centre, etc.
Some community organizations offer support programs for parents of teenagers. Call your local organization for information.

School staff members

2. References

Last updated

: