Helping your teen manage conflict

From a very young age, children start developing their relationship skills. They learn to listen, manage their emotions, be empathetic towards others and respectfully express themselves. These skills will be useful to them throughout their life, both for developing harmonious relationships with those around them and for resolving conflicts in a constructive manner.

Remember, it’s perfectly normal to go through conflicts, at any age! Conflicts may begin when:

• Two or more people don’t share the same ideas, opinions or values.
• One person disagrees with the behaviours of another person.

While these situations can be uncomfortable, conflict in itself is not a bad thing. Rather, it’s an opportunity for young people to open themselves up to various points of view, respectfully assert themselves,  and find solutions to various problems.

While conflicts are a part of learning, they may bring up a wide range of emotions in your teen, including anger. Feeling these emotions is completely legitimate. However, how they manage them is particularly important. For example, an appropriate way of managing anger is to get it out of their system by playing sports, but it would be unacceptable to hit or insult another person. Therefore, it’s important to distinguish conflict from violence. To learn more about violence, see the fact sheet on this topic  here . Bullying is characterized particularly by repetition and the presence of an imbalance of power between the people involved. It can be physical, verbal, social and/or material. Here are a few examples of bullying:

• Tripping or pushing another person (physical).
• Ridiculing or insulting another person (verbal).
• Spreading rumours about another person (social).
• Stealing property belonging to another person (material).

To learn more about the characteristics of bullying and the differences between conflict and bullying, see the table below.

Conflict Bullying Intention The people involved do not intend to harm or hurt other people. The purpose of bullying behaviours, words or acts is generally to hinder or harm the person towards whom the behaviour is aimed. Balance of power The people involved in the conflict are generally on an equal footing. They are free to express their point of view. There is inequality in the balance of power between those involved. For example, a large age difference, different social status, several people bullying one victim, etc. Repetition While the conflict may continue over time, it generally ends in a reasonable period of time through negotiation or mediation. However, the conflict may result in the end of the relationship. The bullying behaviours, words or acts are repeated by the same person or different people. They may be expressed directly or indirectly, including in cyberspace. Consequences The conflict may have an impact on those involved and everyone may feel that they have lost. However, no one ends up being a victim in the conflict. Bullying creates feelings of distress and may damage, injure, oppress or ostracize the victims of the bullying.

Here are four steps to respectfully resolve conflicts  (these steps are taken from the work done by the organization  Institut Pacifique ):

1. Take a moment to calm yourself down. It’s never a good idea to try to resolve a disagreement in the heat of the moment. Calming yourself down before talking about it allows you to step back and analyze the disagreement more rationally.
2. At a time that is convenient to all those involved, take the time to talk about what you’re feeling, remaining open and respectful. Each person must listen to the point of view of the other and be able to express themselves respectfully. At this step, it is particularly important to speak using “I” rather than blaming. It’s also a good idea to back up what you have to say with facts. For example, rather than saying “You never listen to me”, it would be more appropriate to say, “I didn’t feel listened to when you were looking at your phone during our conversation.”
3. Together, try to find various ways of resolving the conflict.
4. Choose the most satisfying solution for the people involved and end the conversation on a positive note. It’s also advisable to take a look back at the solution chosen some time after the conflict has been resolved (note that some conflicts are too significant and end the relationship).

As a parent, you can help your teen manage conflict in an effective manner. Here are some concrete tips to help you do this.