To better understand
Our identity is everything we know about ourselves. It is what influences our choices, behaviours, actions, and reactions. Our identity changes throughout our life.
In adolescence, teenagers are eager to know who they really are. They feel an increasing need to shape their own identity.
During this period, teenagers learn a lot about themselves, and about others, their community, and society.
They explore and experiment with many facets of their identity:
- Their tastes and preferences
- Their opinions
- Their values
- Their strengths and weaknesses
- Their sexuality
- Their dreams
- Etc.
But they still need you!
To shape their identity:
- They compare their points of view with those of their parents.
- They observe themselves and observe other people’s reactions.
- They experiment more outside of home.
- Their desire to conform to or reject social norms is increasing.
- They sometimes do things to be more like their friends… and less like their parents!
Even if teens don’t show it, they are reassured by their parents’ presence.
With a teenager’s sense of identity in full flux, their self-esteem can sometimes go up and down like a roller coaster. The more positive and rewarding experiences a teenager has, the stronger their identity and the better their self-esteem will be.
Did you know that…
Identity and self-esteem evolve in lockstep.
In the Montérégie region, teenagers who participate in family, school or community activities are more likely to have high self-esteem than teens.
To be open‑minded and to adapt
The highs and lows of adolescence can be a challenge, for both teens and parents!
Some teens question their parents’ values. They walk the line between wanting to embrace traditional family values and wanting to be different from their parents.
The older they get, the more teenagers make choices that truly reflect who they are. They may change their minds several times about the things they feel strongly. Their choices may also differ from what you would like or may even worry you. That is because they are asserting their own identity and starting to pull away from you.
As a parent, it is not easy to accept that your teenager is becoming their own independent person. And that means letting them have their own experiences and learning from their mistakes—and their successes! The best way forward is to talk to them calmly and respectfully and to let them know their home is a safe space.
Be there for your teen
Here are some things you can do to guide your teenager boost their self-esteem:
- Show an interest in the things they like and do, and in their hopes and aspirations.
- Talk to your teen and ask them for their opinions.
- Encourage them to assert themselves, identify and defend their limits.
- Give them the opportunity to make decisions.
- Let them know you trust them but continue to question their actions.
- Pick your battles and accept the fact that you cannot always get involved, so that they can learn from experiences for themselves.
- Guide them by setting limits or occasionally expressing doubts or concerns.
- Accept that they will change their mind and sometimes learn by trial and error.
- Help them identify and apply solutions on their own.
- Remind them that you are always there for them if they need you.
Practical resources and tools
1. To support you :
Are you dealing with a situation that worries you? Ask for help:
2. For more information :
- Parents d’ados, De la tolérance nécessaire à la nécessité d’intervenir, by Céline Boisvert, CHU Sainte-Justine collection for parents.
- Ados : mode d’emploi, de Michel Delagrave, by Michel Delagrave, CHU Sainte-Justine collection for parents.
- L’estime de soi de nos adolescents, Guide pratique à l’intention des parents, by Germain Duclos, Danielle Laporte and Jacques Ross, CHU Sainte-Justine collection for parents.
Last updated
: