When parents separate

Since teens are more independent than younger children, you might think they’d be less affected by their parents’ separation. But that’s not the case! Adolescence is already a time filled with stress and change, and teens are constantly required to adapt to new situations. During this turbulent period, they typically seek comfort from their familiar family environment, even if it’s not perfect. A separation creates even more disruption in their already unsettled lives.

There is no single way for teens to react or adapt to their parents’ separation:

• Some teens may experience anger, aimed at one or both parents.
• Others may feel sadness.
• Some may want to “save” their parents, especially the one who is struggling more with the separation.
• Other teens may exhibit behavioural issues, such as isolation, falling grades or aggression.
• Some may appear indifferent but actually be internalizing their emotions.

These are just a few possible reactions teens might have in response to their parents’ separation. These emotions can also be contradictory. For example, a teen might feel happy about certain parts of their new life while also feeling anger toward the parent who initiated the separation. Most importantly, their emotions will evolve over time and in response to different events.

Co-parenting is when separated or divorced parents work together to make sure their children are raised happy and healthy.

According to Timmermans et al. (in Cloutier, Filion et Timmermans, 2012), the foundations of co-parenting are:

1. Believing the other parent is always acting in the children’s best interest.
2. Allowing the children to express their love for the other parent.
3. Maintaining a positive image of the other parent.
4. Maintaining functional communication about the children.
5. Consulting with each other on major decisions involving the children: education, health, etc.
6. Believing the other parent is always the best possible guardian in an unexpected situation.
7. Sharing child-related costs according to the established agreement.

The better a co-parenting relationship, the better the children will fare. This means parents must set aside their own emotions and personal interests for the sake of the children’s well-being. Achieving this can take time, and it’s possible you may need help. Don’t hesitate to consult the resources below.

A separation is a difficult situation, especially when there are children involved, so don’t hesitate to consider mediation if needed. A family mediator is a neutral, accredited professional who can help you resolve issues related to your custody arrangement and the separation itself. Residents of Québec may be entitled to a few free hours of mediation. To learn more: Educaloi – Family Mediation in Six Steps.